


Deserted

by benrey--feetman (permets_tu_means_i_love_you)



Category: HLVRAI - Fandom, Half Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: Awkward Conversations, Awkwardness, Blood, Blood and Gore, Blood and Injury, Blood and Violence, Eventual Romance, Fluff and Angst, Mutilation, No HEV Suit Scientist Gordon AU, Nonbinary Benrey (Half-Life), Other, Panic Attacks, So he's just wearing scientist clothes now, So maybe I'm projecting onto Gordon don't @ me, To clarify: He wore the suit for the test but it was rendered useless after the Resonance Cascade, Trans Gordon Freeman
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-28
Updated: 2020-08-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:20:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25578721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/permets_tu_means_i_love_you/pseuds/benrey--feetman
Summary: This is gospel for the fallen ones/Locked away in permanent slumber/Assembling their philosophies/From pieces of broken memoriesWhen Gordon messes with the a strange computer, the science team disappears and only Gordon and Benrey are left behind.
Relationships: Benrey/Gordon Freeman
Comments: 14
Kudos: 75





	1. Abandoned

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time making an HLVRAI chaptered fic, so constructive criticism is appreciated!

“...I think it would be wise not to touch anything, Gordon! I’ve never... this room before!”

“I think… move on.”

Gordon was only half listening to what the others were saying. He was more preoccupied with the computer in front of him. He could actually read what it said on the screen, which was odd. Maybe… maybe he was supposed to do something? Maybe the computer was here for a reason?

“...Gordon, are you even listening to me? I’m trying to get a move on here,” Bubby huffed, crossing their arms. “I want to go home, Gordon.”

“Yeah, yeah, me too. Have you guys seen this computer?”

“...What computer? I sure hope you’re not going crazy, Gordon.”

“The computer right here,” Gordon said, turning around. The others looked at him with blank stares.

“Mr. Freeman, are you feeling okay?”

“Yeah Tommy, I’m fine. You guys don’t- don’t see the computer?”

“No? There’s only one computer in this room, Gordon. I’m getting impatient. Let’s just move on without him!”

“Now Bubby, we’re a team! We stick together!”

Gordon zoned back out as he turned his attention back to the mysterious computer. Everyone else said they couldn’t see it except for Benrey… Where was Benrey?

“Bro are you gonna fuckin, uh, do what the computer says?”

“You can see the computer too?”

“Duh. Are you gonna push the button or not?”

“Huh? Oh, right.”

He turned back to face the computer, semi-reassured that it was real. Reading the text rapidly scrolling across the screen, he gathered that he was supposed to press a blue button on the wall. The only thing was, he didn’t see any buttons.

“Uh, Benrey, do you know where the button is?”

“On the wall.”

“I knew- Whatever… Can you point it out to me?”

“Yeah. It’s right there, bro. Right- right there in front of you.”

“Huh?”

He turned back to look at the wall beside the computer and a large, round button had appeared.

“Oh.”

“Gordon what the fuck are you doing over there? Wait a second, is that a button? Where the fuck did that come from?”

“It’s, uh. I gotta press it.”

Transfixed on the button, he slowly moved his hand toward it.

“Gordon, I’m not sure if that’s a go-”

Dr. Coomer was cut off by a sudden loud ringing that triggered when Gordon pressed the button. With a pained yell, Gordon lost consciousness. The last thing he saw before he passed out was the science team disappearing with a flash.

Gordon came to slowly, a loud ringing in his ears. His eyes were out of focus, and his glasses were lying cracked on the ground in front of him. He could hear something- someone? Trying to talk to him over the ringing, but he couldn’t make out what the muffled words were saying. He looked up to see a blurry face crouched down next to him, but his eyes were too unfocused and his brain was too foggy to know who it was.

“...Gordon? Gordon? You’re not dead, right? Please don’t be dead… I don’t want to be here alone…”

With a groan, Gordon tried to sit up slowly. He grabbed for his glasses and clumsily put them on, trying to get a good look at the figure in front of him.

“...Benrey? Is that you? Where… What happened to the others…? I saw… I saw them… they…”

Gordon slowly began realizing what had happened, and the shock set in.

“Oh my god… This is my fault! I shouldn’t- I shouldn’t have fucked with anything! We should’ve just left! I should’ve known an invisible computer would be trouble, why the fuck did I do that?! The others-They’re gone, they- they disappeared and I don’t know where and-”

“Hey, dude, uh… calm down. It’s uh, it’s not your fault. You didn’t- didn’t know what it was gonna do.”

“But I should have- should have known it was bad! It was different, it was wrong, and I didn’t see it! Why, why did I- I fuckin- What did I do? I can’t- I can’t breathe…”

"Dude! Dude, uh, calm down bro. Take deep breaths and shit. Don’t, uh, don’t panic.”

“Don’t panic? DON’T PANIC?! I just- fuckin- vaporized the science team! They’re gone because I was too stupid to see the obvious trick, some sort of fucked up trap, and I fell for it! Now I have no idea where the others are and I have a headache and I can’t breathe and I- I can’t see… Everything’s dizzy and I-”

Gordon’s thought was interrupted by Benrey gently grabbing his face.

“Dude you’ve gotta, gotta chill man. You’ve gotta calm down. We can- we can figure out what happened, but, uh, you gotta, you gotta breathe first man. You gotta take deep breaths.”

“Yeah… okay… deep breaths…”

“Yeah, just, uh, copy my breathing, okay bro?”

Gordon tried to copy Benrey’s breathing, while ignoring the fact that he had a splitting headache and he was shaking uncontrollably. He reached up and touched Benrey’s hands to ground himself, reminding himself that there was someone else there in the room with him. He managed to slow his breathing to a normal pace, and his vision cleared a little bit. His heart was still racing, and his head still hurt like hell, but at least he wasn’t in danger of hyperventilating anymore.

“You uh, you good bro?”

“...Yeah, thanks. How- how long have you been awake?”

“I uh- I didn’t pass out. It got, really loud, and then there was a flash and you were on the ground, and uh… you’re kind of uh… kind of bleeding bro.”

“Bleeding? From where?”

“Your uh, your head. It… It looks pretty bad, not gonna lie… sorry.”

“That explains the headache,” Gordon muttered, getting to his feet. He rose too quickly, and all of a sudden the world turned into TV static. 

When his vision returned to normal, he looked up to see Benrey’s concerned face. Then he realized he had fallen over, and Benrey had caught him. He felt his face flush in embarrassment and righted himself again, with Benrey's help.

“You uh, you good man? We can wait for a minute, we don’t have to get going, uh, right now.”

“I’m fine, we just need to find out what the hell is going on.”

Using Benrey’s arm for support, he walked over to where the computer had been. Looking up frantically, he tried to find the blue button, but to no avail. It was nowhere to be seen.

“I don’t- I don’t get it! Where the hell did the computer go?! Did it only show up to fuck me over? What the fuck is even going on in Black Mesa,” Gordon yelled, desperately holding back the frustrated and desperate tears that burned in his eyes. “What the fuck are we supposed to do now?!”

“Uh, I don’t… I don’t know, man. I guess we should just, uh, keep going? I don’t know bro, this shit is weird.”

“I guess… I guess we’re just gonna have to go look for everyone. We were heading to, what, the Lambda lab, right? Yeah… Let’s see if they’re already there…”

Gordon limped through the eerily silent hallways of Black Mesa, clutching Benrey’s arm in one hand and clutching his crowbar in the other. There was something about the halls that felt… off. Of course, everything seems weird when you’re in a post-apocalyptic hellscape, but this seemed weirder than normal. There were no bodies littering the floor, only puddles and splatters of human and alien blood covering the walls and the floor.

After a few more minutes of tense silence, Gordon spoke up.

“Does this- Does this seem, I don’t know, odd to you?”

“Uh, how so?”

“Like, there's no bodies. No corpses, human or alien. Just… blood… lots of it…”

“Yeah, that is pretty wack…”

“Wait, what happened to the military? We’ve been walking for fifteen minutes and I haven’t seen one soldier. No soldiers, no scientists…”

A look of horror filled Gordon’s eyes as he faced Benrey.

“What if… What if we’re the only ones left in Black Mesa? What if we’re the only living things here, Benrey?”

Benrey never got an opportunity to answer, because they were promptly attacked by headcrabs. With lightning speed, Benrey whipped out his “passport” and took out two of them. Two more arrived to take their places. More kept coming from around the corner, and there were two more for every one they shot.

“Gordon, can you run?”

“No, I’m still lightheaded, and I landed on my leg weird when I passed out!”

Benrey put away their gun and grabbed Gordon, picking him up bridal style. Before Gordon had time to process what was happening, Benrey had taken off running in the direction they came from. Gordon buried his head into Benrey’s shirt to try and avoid getting sick. He could hear the headcrabs still chasing them, but it seemed like they were losing them.

Suddenly, Benrey took a sharp turn to the left, into an abandoned lab. They set Gordon down on a table and started shoving crates in front of the door. Luckily, this lab didn’t have any windows that headcrabs could break through. Unfortunately, this lab didn’t have any windows, so it was pitch dark.

“Uh, Benrey, I can’t- I can’t fucking see.”

“Oh shit, yeah, one sec.”

A soothing melody pierced the air, familiar in a way Gordon couldn’t place. The room burst into color, starting at a bright red and transitioning to a bright blue. The light from the sweet voice made the room glow in a comforting way, making Gordon feel a bit more at ease.

“...What do those colors mean?”

“Oh, it means, um,” Benrey mumbled, turning away from Gordon. He could still see their face flush, though. “Red to blue means I’m going to protect you…”

Gordon smiled, feeling a little confused. Benrey seemed to be acting completely differently since Gordon pressed the button. He wasn’t complaining, by any means. It was kind of… nice. Especially since Benrey was the only person Gordon had for company now. 

“Let’s uh, let’s see if this place has any, uh, medical supplies. First aid or something, y’know?”

Benrey started rummaging through drawers and crates, muttering under their breath.

Gordon sighed and leaned back, trying to ignore the sounds of the headcrabs outside. Knowing they were out there, just waiting for them to come out…

The more Gordon thought about it, the louder the sounds got, and the more anxious he became. His breath grew ragged and he gripped his arms, scratching at them, grabbing at them, trying to hold on to something real. He zoned out, stuck in his head, all of his guilt and fear on blast for him to feel bad about.

He felt someone grab his hands and he flinched, coming back into the real world. He looked up wide eyed at Benrey, then frantically around the room, making sure there was nothing else in the room. He could still hear the sounds, still hear the agonizing screeches-

“Hey. Gordon,” Benrey said softly, gently turning his face towards them before grabbing his hands again. “What’s wrong, man?”

“Nothing, I’m fine, just… Can you, uh, keep singing?”

Benrey looked surprised for a second, but then nodded. 

“Alright, only if you promise to stop scratching up your arms, bro.”

“Huh? Oh.” Gordon looked down to see his forearms scratched to the point of bleeding. “Okay, yeah.”

“Let me just, uh, try to patch you up first.”

“...Okay.”

Benrey grabbed a bandage roll and some gauze they found in the lab and started trying to bandage his head. Gordon struggled to stay still, but the nervous tension was testing his resolve. 

When Benrey finally managed to get the head bandages done, they moved down to his arms.

“Oh, you don’t have t-”

“Your arms are bleeding and I have bandages, so I’m using them.”

“What if you get hurt?”

“I’ll be fine. I don’t, uh, I don’t need blood.”

Benrey carefully wrapped the bandages around Gordon’s arms, trying their best not to fuck up. When they were done, they sat down on a table across from Gordon.

“Got any, uh, song requests?”

“Uh, no, just… I don’t know.”

“Okay, uh… _This is gospel for the fallen ones, locked away in permanent slumber. Assembling their philosophies from pieces of broken memories_..”

Gordon fell asleep to the sound of Benrey’s voice. As he drifted off, he realized that song was the one Benrey had sang earlier with the sweet voice, and he remembered where he’d heard it.

Gordon woke up to the alarming sound of gunshots, and the squeals of dying headcrabs. Shooting awake, he scrambled to grab a weapon nearby. He picked up his crowbar and started smashing headcrabs as alien blood and screams filled the air. 

He didn’t know when they managed to kill them all, but all of a sudden there was nothing left but corpses and blood.

“You okay bro?”

“...I’ll be fine once we get moving.”

They walked cautiously through the dimly lit hallways of Black Mesa, scanning every corner for any sign of movement. As they were walking, they heard a concerning and familiar sound.

“Is that… the sweet voice? I thought you were the only one who could use the sweet voice.”

“Yeah, only me and… shit.”

“What?”

“Shit. Fuck! We’ve gotta get out of here!”

“Why? What is it?”

To answer Gordon’s question, a skeleton turned around the corner, singing in the sweet voice from blue to red.


	2. Lost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone who left a comment on the last chapter!! I would reply to them personally but unfortunately I don't have enough coherent thoughts to properly thank you and I can only express my gratitude through keyboard smashes 😔  
> Also, just a forewarning, this chapter turned out a bit... um... angstier than the last one whoops 🙃

“Um, Benrey? What does blue to red mean?”

“...Blue to red means I want you dead.”

“Well shit, that’s just our luck, isn’t it?”

“We need to get out of here, right fuckin’ now.”

“Wait, I thought you controlled the skeletons?”

“I, uh, I’ll explain later. Right now we need to run.”

Gordon nodded, confused. If Benrey controlled the skeletons, why was one coming after them? And why did it want them dead?

“How’s your leg?”

“It’s fine,” Gordon lied, not wanting to feel like a burden. “I can run.”

Benrey turned around and started sprinting away from the skeleton, Gordon not far behind them. He could hear the skeleton, its bones clattering as it ran, leaving a sweet voice trail behind it. Shooting pain shot up his leg with every stride, but it was either pain or death. As he ran, his leg kept getting worse, slowing him down. The more he lagged behind Benrey, the more the skeleton gained on him. 

Gordon tried to speed up, but with a paralyzing pain and a sickening snap, his leg gave out. He crumpled to the ground with an agonized yell, every part of him aching. The skeleton continued to move towards Gordon, who knew he was done for if it reached him. 

Searing pain swept through his entire body as he was scooped up by Benrey. His vision slowly faded to black as shock overtook him. The last thing he heard was the firing of gunshots and the shrill cry of a dying skeleton before he passed out.

Gordon woke up slowly, feeling numb. He stared at the ceiling, wondering where the hell he was, then all of his memories came back to him. The Resonance Cascade, the mysterious computer, the skeleton…

He tried to sit up, but as soon as he moved, burning pain shot up his leg. He laid back down with a wince, trying not to let his pain show. Looking around, he recognized the room he was in. This lab was the closest thing they had to a doctor’s office at Black Mesa, which wasn’t saying very much. It was stocked with some ibuprofen and a few medkits, and that was it. Gordon was laying on the ‘operating’ table in the middle of the room, which was just a regular table bolted to the floor. 

Benrey came in with some chips and soda they’d looted from the vending machine, but almost dropped them when he saw Gordon.

“Oh shit, uh, you’re awake.” Putting their gatherings on a counter, they hurried over to Gordon. “...I thought you said your leg was fine.”

Gordon looked away, trying to hide how much everything was hurting. “It was fine- It is fine. There’s no need to w-”

“Fine? Your leg is fucking broken, bro! You broke your fucking leg! Why didn’t you just fucking tell me you couldn’t run?”

Gordon bit his lip, trying not to let his guilt turn into tears.

“Look, I just,” Benrey sighed, trying to gather their thoughts. “I just wish you’d told me you couldn’t run, bro. I could’ve- I could’ve fucking carried you again or some shit.”

Gordon tried to ignore the burning tears pricking his eyes and the smothering shame that was suffocating him. The tears stung as they rolled down his face, reminding him of everything he had fucked up in the past 48 hours. Losing the science team, not being able to fight the headcrabs, breaking his leg…

“I’m… I’m glad you’re not dead. I don’t- I don’t know what I’d do if I were here alone… I’m not- I’m not mad that you didn’t tell me, I’m just… worried? I guess? You gotta… You gotta speak up when you need help, bro. Otherwise… You, uh, you probably need to rest or some shit. I’ll, uh, be over here...”

Benrey walked over to the corner of the room and slid to the floor, looking worried. Gordon knew it was because of him. He always had to fuck everything up. He didn’t want to be a burden, but now that’s all he was. He couldn’t walk, he couldn’t run, and he certainly couldn’t fight. How the fuck are you supposed to fight something when you can’t even stand, and every time you move you’re put in excruciating pain? More self deprecating thoughts swarmed his head, eventually blurring into unconsciousness. 

When he woke up again, the pain had subsided a little bit. Luckily, he broke his leg to where the bone didn’t need to be put back into place, but, unluckily, _he broke his fucking leg_. He looked over to see Benrey fast asleep, leaning against the wall. 

Gordon’s mind wandered back to the skeleton. Why didn’t Benrey just tell it to go away? Why did it want to kill them? Were there more of them? 

He heard Benrey get up and turned his head to look at them, still in too much pain to move the rest of his body.

“Oh, hey. How, uh, how are you feelin today? And don’t say you’re fine because I know you’re not.”

Gordon winced, not wanting to tell the truth, but not wanting to lie, either.

“It’s, uh, better than yesterday,” he mumbled, hating that he had to be taken care of. He was supposed to be the leader of the group, he was supposed to be the one who took charge and was always okay. Now, there wasn’t even a group to lead, and Gordon was just dead weight. 

“That… isn’t very descriptive, bro. Like, does it hurt? Like, uh, are you in pain?”

“...Not really,” Gordon said, avoiding eye contact.

“Really? So you could get up and walk around right now?”

Gordon awkwardly looked anywhere but Benrey, the silence between them deafening.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought. I can’t- I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s wrong, dude.”

Gordon sighed, frustrated with being in pain, frustrated with being useless, frustrated with being stuck at Black Mesa. “I know, it’s just… nothing, it’s nothing.”

“...I won’t force you to talk to me,” Benrey said, tentatively placing their hand on Gordon’s shoulder, “But I want to help you, and I can’t do that if you don’t tell me what’s wrong. We have to trust each other, because we’re the only ones left in this hellhole.”

Gordon didn’t notice the tears falling until Benrey was wiping them away.

“I know- I know it’s hard to admit you need help, but please, let me help you.”

Gordon nodded, reaching up to hold onto Benrey’s hand, which was cupping his face.

“Does your leg hurt?”

Gordon nodded again, then watched as Benrey stood up to find the pain medicine.

They came back with some ibuprofen, a soda, and a granola bar. 

“You, uh, you should eat something, man. You need to regain your strength and shit.”

Gordon let himself be taken care of for once, too tired and emotionally drained to keep feeling guilty. He tried to eat a little bit, but the pain took away his appetite. He took the ibuprofen, but unfortunately that shit doesn’t kick in for, like, thirty minutes what the fuck. 

Gordon didn’t know he had dozed off until he was jarringly woken by Benrey scooping him up and bolting out the door.

“Wh-”

“Another skeleton.”

“...Fuck.”

Benrey ran as fast as they could, but the skeleton was slowly gaining on them. They tried losing it by running through the labyrinth of hallways at random, but it wouldn’t be shaken. Not paying attention to where they were going, Benrey ran right into a dead end.

They set Gordon gently on the ground, then turned to face the skeleton. It stopped, ten feet in front of them. Benrey and the skeleton had a quick conversation via sweet voice that Gordon couldn’t translate. Benrey started with blue to gray, and the skeleton replied with orange to blue. Benrey ended it abruptly by whipping out their gun like they were a quick draw in a cowboy movie and shot the skeleton in the skull. 

The skeleton charged at Gordon, but Benrey stood in front of him protectively and bashed in the skeleton’s skull with the butt of their gun. After two solid hits, the skeleton crumpled to the ground in a bloody pile of bones.

Benrey let out an audible sigh and hunched over in relief, then turned to Gordon.

“You good?”

“Uh, a little disoriented, but yeah,” he said, trying to figure out where in Black Mesa they were.

Benrey leaned back and slid down the wall to sit next to Gordon. 

“What’s up with the skeletons? I thought… I thought you controlled them. And what was that one saying? Why are they coming after us,” he rambled anxiously, scratching at his arms again.

Benrey looked away awkwardly, and Gordon could tell there was something Benrey was hiding. “Um… the skeletons are, um,” Benrey mumbled, staring anxiously at the wall. “The skeletons… I could only control them because, um… I…”

“What? What is it?”

“...I could only control them because I was supposed to kill you,” Benrey yelled, wincing. 

“...What?”

“...I was supposed to kill you guys at the end of this… I didn’t want- I didn’t have a choice! The skeletons were- were controlling me more than I was controlling them…”

Gordon sat there, shocked, not sure how to feel about this revelation.

“When you pressed the button, I, uh, I dunno how to put it, but… I felt… different? The skeletons don’t- didn’t have any power over me anymore and, uh, they took my place. Being the, uh, ‘final boss’, I guess.”

“...Wait, did you put the fucking computer there?!”

“Wh- No! I had no idea what it was going to do, bro! I swear!”

“Why did you have to kill us at the end? Why not just kill us as soon as you saw us?”

“I d- I don’t know! It was fucked up, man,” Benrey said, looking like they were about to cry.

Gordon sighed, still not knowing exactly how to feel about… well, anything. He was too tired and emotionally drained to process any of this.

“We should probably, uh, find shelter before another one comes after us…”

“Yeah…”

Benrey picked Gordon up again and started trying to find an empty lab, break room, or, hell, a large storage closet would work fine too. With the skeletons having free roam of Black Mesa, the last place they wanted to be was out in the open.

After a few minutes of tense silence, Benrey found a lab that hadn’t been destroyed yet. They set Gordon down in an office chair, then awkwardly moved to sit across the room.

“So, um, you uh,” Gordon said, clearing his throat in an attempt to gather his thoughts. “You were sent here to kill us? ...Why?”

Benrey fidgeted, their back turned to Gordon. He could see the faint glow of the sweet voice, the colors going from green to blue. Gordon waited in silence, and when the sweet voice disappeared, Benrey spoke up.

“After I… left Xen, I… needed somewhere to, uh, lay low, I guess? I started working at Black Mesa because there was already so much fucked up shit going on, who would notice a security guard wasn’t human? I… I knew something was different when you came in, but I couldn’t tell what it was until… the resonance cascade happened, and I… I knew that I had to… I had to,” Benrey stopped, choked up. 

Gordon used his good leg to roll over to where they were sitting. He tentatively reached out, hesitating for a moment before gently laying his hand on their shoulder. Gordon had no idea how to comfort Benrey in this situation, but he wanted to be there for them..

“Hey, it, uh… It wasn’t- it wasn’t your fault… You, uh, couldn’t, um, couldn’t help it.”

Benrey sniffled, trying to stop themself from crying. They wiped away their tears, but no matter how hard they rubbed their face, tears kept coming.

Gordon hesitated for a moment before reaching his hand out to gently move their hand aside and wipe away their tears. Benrey turned away, embarrassed and afraid. Gordon tried to think for a moment, but was too tired and emotionally drained to come up with anything else to help them. He rested his head on their shoulder, still wanting to be there for Benrey but not knowing how. After a moment of silence, filled only with faint sniffles, Benrey leaned their head onto Gordon’s.

They stayed like that until they dozed off, the faint sound and glow of the sweet voice surrounding them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading the second chapter and thank you to my beta reader viiperfang for making sure my writing is coherent after I wrote most of this at 1 am. (Also if you can correctly translate the sweet voice you get a special prize ✌️)

**Author's Note:**

> Human interaction gives me motivation so if you like this and want to see more, let me know! Thanks for reading the first chapter btw. I currently don't have a beta reader for this, so if you're interested, send me a message @benrey--feetman on Tumblr.


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